Entry tags:
band camp update
ten days later. i'm done with camp. im so tired. i miss my technicians so bad i love them all so bad. i hate being chopped. i keep forgetting how i look.
Entry tags:
marching band season 2
i'm back in marching band after three weeks. i'll be honest i'm tired as fuck. in my section, i dont even go anywhere. i just stand there and play the same things over and over again. i got like 5 new directors since last year and i just miss how it was. i'm so exhausted. this was the second day, and i felt like i was disassociated until lunch. i wasn't thinking straight, i was tired, everything bugged me, and i don't know what my problem was. my friends annoyed me, people being nice to me annoyed me, and i just didn't know what to do. my mom told me the day before band camp, sunday, that i was overweight. and i am overweight, and i have been for probably a while. according to google, i guess, the average weight for people my age and height is like 136 pounds. i'm 151. i knew it was because i wasn't moving enough but she just kept saying stuff and i havent stopped thinking about it since. i'm so exhausted. i really just wish i wasnt fat or ugly anymore. i wish i looked more like a boy. i wish i was born a boy. i dont even care about being a boy or girl by expression, but i wish i was biologically a boy. either way, i dont feel like either. i'm so exhausted. i don't want to kill myself but i just wish i wasnt me. i would be fine if i was anyone but me. i'm not cool or smart, people don't really like me for me, i think it's just "my thing" to be annoying as fuck and talk about things no one cares about, but im so tired of it. not caring about what people think about me gets bad when i start to care about how i think about myself. i just dont feel like me.
Entry tags:
its been a month
i don't really blog on here like i used to when i first made the account, but i'll give a quick recap of the big stuff that happened
i got a car, i finished all three rebooted star trek movies, my graph is growing steadily, i'm a little happier, i'm getting really into 50's stuff thanks to the original cast of star trek, music stresses me out because i have a concert soon, i sit with a new group of friends at lunch (and unfortunately they're all smokers and potheads), my friend got busted for smoking weed, the time on my computer is never correct for some reason, so ignore whatever time it says, i watched the first episode of arcane the other night for my friend, i'm probably gonna watch star trek in chronological order soon, i plan to get a job in the summer but not sure where, i'm ending this year full of self-care and joy and no worries for assignments even though i have like eight things not done, and i'm gonna go see the movie "neighborhood watch" after class today, of which stars jeffrey dean morgan and jack quaid, both of which happen to be in the boys.
i got a car, i finished all three rebooted star trek movies, my graph is growing steadily, i'm a little happier, i'm getting really into 50's stuff thanks to the original cast of star trek, music stresses me out because i have a concert soon, i sit with a new group of friends at lunch (and unfortunately they're all smokers and potheads), my friend got busted for smoking weed, the time on my computer is never correct for some reason, so ignore whatever time it says, i watched the first episode of arcane the other night for my friend, i'm probably gonna watch star trek in chronological order soon, i plan to get a job in the summer but not sure where, i'm ending this year full of self-care and joy and no worries for assignments even though i have like eight things not done, and i'm gonna go see the movie "neighborhood watch" after class today, of which stars jeffrey dean morgan and jack quaid, both of which happen to be in the boys.
chicago band trip
rn i'm on the bus home from chicago that's going back home. it wasn't awful, but the st. patrick day's parade was incredibly painful. i cried a little bit because my back was hurting. i marched bass drum for the first time since two years ago, and needless to say, i don't miss it whatsoever. we got sandwiches and i bit into advil by accident. it's hot on the bus but i'm fine. i'm really thirsty. i almost got a bingo on my chicago trip event bingo made by my friend izzy. my roomates got switched around and we ended up only having three people in our group, which meant i got a bed to myself. my roomates were a little bit questionable in regards to reputation and drama, but they were nice when i was with them. i'm getting really into star trek now in place of supernatural, so i think things will be fine. i also have this graph i would love to talk about, so maybe i'll talk about it when the time comes.
Entry tags:
band today
I was writing and it deleted my whole entry im gonna start crying
today in jazz band, we cleaned the band room and storage room because we didn't want rats in the school when the symphonic band competition plays in two days from now. there's drama with a lot of my friends, so it's hard to find friends to be around. I feel invisible to a lot of them, and I feel like if I wasn't present, they wouldn't notice. today is my brother's birthday, and I don't know what to feel. people like him more than me anyway, not just on birthday stuff. especially because my birthday is during spring break, barely anyone remembers my birthday and I always celebrate it late so I can give everyone a chance to recover from whatever they did over the break in case i'm overloading them with things. I have a lot of math homework that I don't know how to do. my section leader in band told me I have to play in class tomorrow, and I normally don't due to complications and long stories, so i'm just worried he'll get more mad at me for not knowing my part i've only had for two weeks or my band director getting mad at me for the same reason. since it's so close to the competition (CPA, concert performance assessment), it's pathetic that I still don't know my part. information gets relayed a lot slower than usual because I don't have class with the rest of percussion, so things get mixed up and i'm far more unprepared than the rest of my section. i'm so exhausted. the last time I felt this pathetic, especially because of band, I just cried. I'm really close to. i'm so tired and I feel so stupid. I don't think this is period hormones because I feel this way anyway, menstruating or not. yes, periods induce hormones like this, but I would know if it's hormones or not because it feels different than whatever this is. hormone-induced emotional problems is less severe, less personal or deep, less spiral-causing. hormones make me upset because i'm in pain or i'm tired. hormones make me stress out a little more than I normally do. what hormones don't do is make me want to end my life over music. hormones don't cause raging fits of tears because i'm scared my friends don't like me anymore. there's no good way to end this. i'm so exhausted.
today in jazz band, we cleaned the band room and storage room because we didn't want rats in the school when the symphonic band competition plays in two days from now. there's drama with a lot of my friends, so it's hard to find friends to be around. I feel invisible to a lot of them, and I feel like if I wasn't present, they wouldn't notice. today is my brother's birthday, and I don't know what to feel. people like him more than me anyway, not just on birthday stuff. especially because my birthday is during spring break, barely anyone remembers my birthday and I always celebrate it late so I can give everyone a chance to recover from whatever they did over the break in case i'm overloading them with things. I have a lot of math homework that I don't know how to do. my section leader in band told me I have to play in class tomorrow, and I normally don't due to complications and long stories, so i'm just worried he'll get more mad at me for not knowing my part i've only had for two weeks or my band director getting mad at me for the same reason. since it's so close to the competition (CPA, concert performance assessment), it's pathetic that I still don't know my part. information gets relayed a lot slower than usual because I don't have class with the rest of percussion, so things get mixed up and i'm far more unprepared than the rest of my section. i'm so exhausted. the last time I felt this pathetic, especially because of band, I just cried. I'm really close to. i'm so tired and I feel so stupid. I don't think this is period hormones because I feel this way anyway, menstruating or not. yes, periods induce hormones like this, but I would know if it's hormones or not because it feels different than whatever this is. hormone-induced emotional problems is less severe, less personal or deep, less spiral-causing. hormones make me upset because i'm in pain or i'm tired. hormones make me stress out a little more than I normally do. what hormones don't do is make me want to end my life over music. hormones don't cause raging fits of tears because i'm scared my friends don't like me anymore. there's no good way to end this. i'm so exhausted.
Jazz band today
Yesterday, we had to load shit out to the auditorium at my school, so now our jazz band doesn’t have any chairs or stands. It doesn’t matter because our director won’t make us do anything because he doesn’t want to either. My brother wont shut up on the drums however. My phone’s battery is slowly dying and i might have to ask for a charger. I have rehearsal tonight and i literally don’t want to go bt its my grade. Gradually grieving bad jared, and it’s getting better, but it’s really not. I’m still sad, but whatever.