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band camp update
Jul. 25th, 2025 07:58 pm ten days later. i'm done with camp. im so tired. i miss my technicians so bad i love them all so bad. i hate being chopped. i keep forgetting how i look.
marching band season 2
Jul. 15th, 2025 04:17 ami'm back in marching band after three weeks. i'll be honest i'm tired as fuck. in my section, i dont even go anywhere. i just stand there and play the same things over and over again. i got like 5 new directors since last year and i just miss how it was. i'm so exhausted. this was the second day, and i felt like i was disassociated until lunch. i wasn't thinking straight, i was tired, everything bugged me, and i don't know what my problem was. my friends annoyed me, people being nice to me annoyed me, and i just didn't know what to do. my mom told me the day before band camp, sunday, that i was overweight. and i am overweight, and i have been for probably a while. according to google, i guess, the average weight for people my age and height is like 136 pounds. i'm 151. i knew it was because i wasn't moving enough but she just kept saying stuff and i havent stopped thinking about it since. i'm so exhausted. i really just wish i wasnt fat or ugly anymore. i wish i looked more like a boy. i wish i was born a boy. i dont even care about being a boy or girl by expression, but i wish i was biologically a boy. either way, i dont feel like either. i'm so exhausted. i don't want to kill myself but i just wish i wasnt me. i would be fine if i was anyone but me. i'm not cool or smart, people don't really like me for me, i think it's just "my thing" to be annoying as fuck and talk about things no one cares about, but im so tired of it. not caring about what people think about me gets bad when i start to care about how i think about myself. i just dont feel like me.
band today
Mar. 3rd, 2025 07:07 pm I was writing and it deleted my whole entry im gonna start crying
today in jazz band, we cleaned the band room and storage room because we didn't want rats in the school when the symphonic band competition plays in two days from now. there's drama with a lot of my friends, so it's hard to find friends to be around. I feel invisible to a lot of them, and I feel like if I wasn't present, they wouldn't notice. today is my brother's birthday, and I don't know what to feel. people like him more than me anyway, not just on birthday stuff. especially because my birthday is during spring break, barely anyone remembers my birthday and I always celebrate it late so I can give everyone a chance to recover from whatever they did over the break in case i'm overloading them with things. I have a lot of math homework that I don't know how to do. my section leader in band told me I have to play in class tomorrow, and I normally don't due to complications and long stories, so i'm just worried he'll get more mad at me for not knowing my part i've only had for two weeks or my band director getting mad at me for the same reason. since it's so close to the competition (CPA, concert performance assessment), it's pathetic that I still don't know my part. information gets relayed a lot slower than usual because I don't have class with the rest of percussion, so things get mixed up and i'm far more unprepared than the rest of my section. i'm so exhausted. the last time I felt this pathetic, especially because of band, I just cried. I'm really close to. i'm so tired and I feel so stupid. I don't think this is period hormones because I feel this way anyway, menstruating or not. yes, periods induce hormones like this, but I would know if it's hormones or not because it feels different than whatever this is. hormone-induced emotional problems is less severe, less personal or deep, less spiral-causing. hormones make me upset because i'm in pain or i'm tired. hormones make me stress out a little more than I normally do. what hormones don't do is make me want to end my life over music. hormones don't cause raging fits of tears because i'm scared my friends don't like me anymore. there's no good way to end this. i'm so exhausted.
today in jazz band, we cleaned the band room and storage room because we didn't want rats in the school when the symphonic band competition plays in two days from now. there's drama with a lot of my friends, so it's hard to find friends to be around. I feel invisible to a lot of them, and I feel like if I wasn't present, they wouldn't notice. today is my brother's birthday, and I don't know what to feel. people like him more than me anyway, not just on birthday stuff. especially because my birthday is during spring break, barely anyone remembers my birthday and I always celebrate it late so I can give everyone a chance to recover from whatever they did over the break in case i'm overloading them with things. I have a lot of math homework that I don't know how to do. my section leader in band told me I have to play in class tomorrow, and I normally don't due to complications and long stories, so i'm just worried he'll get more mad at me for not knowing my part i've only had for two weeks or my band director getting mad at me for the same reason. since it's so close to the competition (CPA, concert performance assessment), it's pathetic that I still don't know my part. information gets relayed a lot slower than usual because I don't have class with the rest of percussion, so things get mixed up and i'm far more unprepared than the rest of my section. i'm so exhausted. the last time I felt this pathetic, especially because of band, I just cried. I'm really close to. i'm so tired and I feel so stupid. I don't think this is period hormones because I feel this way anyway, menstruating or not. yes, periods induce hormones like this, but I would know if it's hormones or not because it feels different than whatever this is. hormone-induced emotional problems is less severe, less personal or deep, less spiral-causing. hormones make me upset because i'm in pain or i'm tired. hormones make me stress out a little more than I normally do. what hormones don't do is make me want to end my life over music. hormones don't cause raging fits of tears because i'm scared my friends don't like me anymore. there's no good way to end this. i'm so exhausted.
i woke up and got on tumblr cus who doesnt, and i was going through one of jared padalecki's tags because i was bored. eventually, i scroll far enough to find an anti-jarpad post about racism and things and i was very taken aback. i just woke up and wanted to ghost through tumblr, but this has caught my attention. the post was basically a meme of someone crying and the caption said "racist people when you tell them texas pride is racist." the tags followed with anti-jared and anti-jensen and things related as well as "this about jared stans btw." obviously, i was very very confused because i didn't know what he did, so i'll run down everything i found out that may/may not be true. i was very stressed out and didn't know what to do, so i didn't check many places for the actual facts of it. even then, it's still in the air about if they're an issue or not.
> "jared doxxed several people on twitter with faces and place of work and each time it led to death threats, and legitimate dangers to the place of work and people involved. many times he never apologized, but simply deleted the tweets" -reddit, u/AvatarDang
> "he made fun of philip seymour hoffman's death, calling him stupid and selfish for overdosing. many people find that hypocritical behavior considering his public work in mental health"
> "he was arrested for drunkenly assaulting someone at a bar" i knew about that one a day prior to reading that on reddit
> "he took to social media and publicly called robbie tompson (a past writer for supernatural) a coward for being involved with jensen's show "the winchesters" as well as making it public known he was told not to. he said he was drunk when he said that and talked to jensen before taking it to twitter."
> "he got a second amendment tattoo weeks/days after a shooting in uvalde in 2021. people found it through convention images before and after the shooting. the actual image of the tattoo has been used as a "texas pride"/"come and take it" rhetoric in relation to guns with questionable histories surrounding anti-mexican history, but it's assumed he probably did not get it for that reason."
> "there are plenty of places including ONTD on livejournal that includes a lot of awful stuff about him. not only that, but you will get some eye opening non-fandom based opinons on him that dont feel like you're in an echo chamber" -reddit, u/highd
> i feel like it's worth mentioning that there was also a poll that asked why people think jared didn't show up to geeks for harris, and the options were:
-he was excluded because jensen wanted to stay away from him, as usual
-he was excluded by kripke after jared's cringe pr to get a role in the boys
-he's disliked by the spn cast
-he's disliked by the boys cast
-he's disliked by both show's casts
-he's pro-trump
> in short, the pro-trump option won the poll (tumblr, u/whengeorgiawentblue)
> other posts say similar things, like a post from u/hyped02 on tumblr
> "i gotta say it's great seeing the jared fans melting down at their guy being exposed as a trump loving maga. i mean pretty much everyone always knew he was an asshole and a scumbag of a human but not we have confirmation and she few fans he has left can't handle it. it's a joy to see jared destroying himself he's basically kissing whatever hope he had for anymore of an acting career goodbye. hollywood hates trump and anyone who supports him gets on the blacklist to never be hired again. though i think jared knew his career was over already cause he can't act for shit and the only friends he could force into hiring were his "friends." i'm loving jared's destruction keep going i'll grab the popcorn"
>jared padalecki is either intentionally or unintentionally homophobic. constantly speaking over jensen and misha regarding destiel and their characters and character dynamic is completely out of step. him saying supernatural was never about 'gay sex' is correct because it wasn't/ but he says it in a way that undermines destiel and queer viewers.
> there's also this account on tumblr i just found centric to receipts of things that happened at u/jarjarpadapoo
some other not-jared stuff VV
>misha supports israel, but isn't anti palestine. when talking about it on social media, he never describes the situation as a genocide or use other words similarly. his constant claims that he's neutral but wants a ceasefire don't mean much to op. some people in the comments said that he was sympathizing with jewish people who are blamed for things like this, but i care not to find the post to decode it
> danneel ackles is rude to jensen's fans
> bibros drama setting up things to harass and hurt people
> what is even bibros is it wincest
> frown
idk i'm really stressed out about it, i don't necessarily know what's real or not about it, and i have to leave in a minute for my friend's party.
i might still be into supernatural, but only really lean towards jensen and mish...
anti wincest
Feb. 16th, 2025 11:31 amif you fw wincest please block me on everything because that's fucking disgusting.
i don't see or get the hype and i think you're just traumatized. incest itself is a crime, consensual or not, and it's gross. from someone who has a brother and vague experience with similar things, that's gross. i shouldn't have to blacklist literally every combination of tags under wincest, sam/dean, sam/john/dean, dean/john, and vice motherfucking versa. i feel like sometimes it's a lot more personal, the effects of incest, because i have an older brother, and sam's character really resonates with me. it feels like it's directed at me sometimes because of that, because i kin sam, because i have an older brother, because i have a questionable relationship with my dad. it's uncomfortable to say the least, especially romanticizing and sexualizing their relationship that should strictly be family.
"but the fandom was built on wincest" yeah as a joke!!! yes, those people existed, yes, their fanfictions and ideas were represented in supernatural, but they were:
1.) clearly uncomfortable with it,
2.) debunked why that wouldn't be,
and 3.) criticized it.
"i don't care that they're brothers" that's actually foul. i can smell you through your blog site and it's fucking rancid. i'm telling you, please think about personal counseling, therapy, a psych eval, anything to fucking fix you. i'm all for being different and everyone having their own personalities until your personality is fantasizing about things like this.
this is a crime not of indecency, but a crime of violation of fucking morals.
there's some crimes that are indecent and could cost a life, like stealing/robbing, dui/dwi, things like that. there are also crimes that are in place because of morals, like murder, rape, mutilation, torture/cruel and unusual punishment. THIS REACHES THE POINT OF MORAL CRIME.
i don't see or get the hype and i think you're just traumatized. incest itself is a crime, consensual or not, and it's gross. from someone who has a brother and vague experience with similar things, that's gross. i shouldn't have to blacklist literally every combination of tags under wincest, sam/dean, sam/john/dean, dean/john, and vice motherfucking versa. i feel like sometimes it's a lot more personal, the effects of incest, because i have an older brother, and sam's character really resonates with me. it feels like it's directed at me sometimes because of that, because i kin sam, because i have an older brother, because i have a questionable relationship with my dad. it's uncomfortable to say the least, especially romanticizing and sexualizing their relationship that should strictly be family.
"but the fandom was built on wincest" yeah as a joke!!! yes, those people existed, yes, their fanfictions and ideas were represented in supernatural, but they were:
1.) clearly uncomfortable with it,
2.) debunked why that wouldn't be,
and 3.) criticized it.
"i don't care that they're brothers" that's actually foul. i can smell you through your blog site and it's fucking rancid. i'm telling you, please think about personal counseling, therapy, a psych eval, anything to fucking fix you. i'm all for being different and everyone having their own personalities until your personality is fantasizing about things like this.
this is a crime not of indecency, but a crime of violation of fucking morals.
there's some crimes that are indecent and could cost a life, like stealing/robbing, dui/dwi, things like that. there are also crimes that are in place because of morals, like murder, rape, mutilation, torture/cruel and unusual punishment. THIS REACHES THE POINT OF MORAL CRIME.
i really wonder and worry about people like this. do they see siblings in public and fantasize about them, too? do they insist their friends with siblings to listen to whatever hot shit they have to say? all these possibilities are gross, and i never want anything to do with them anymore.
IF YOU FW WINCEST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!
