into kippy's brain

i'm back in marching band after three weeks. i'll be honest i'm tired as fuck. in my section, i dont even go anywhere. i just stand there and play the same things over and over again. i got like 5 new directors since last year and i just miss how it was. i'm so exhausted. this was the second day, and i felt like i was disassociated until lunch. i wasn't thinking straight, i was tired, everything bugged me, and i don't know what my problem was. my friends annoyed me, people being nice to me annoyed me, and i just didn't know what to do. my mom told me the day before band camp, sunday, that i was overweight. and i am overweight, and i have been for probably a while. according to google, i guess, the average weight for people my age and height is like 136 pounds. i'm 151. i knew it was because i wasn't moving enough but she just kept saying stuff and i havent stopped thinking about it since. i'm so exhausted. i really just wish i wasnt fat or ugly anymore. i wish i looked more like a boy. i wish i was born a boy. i dont even care about being a boy or girl by expression, but i wish i was biologically a boy. either way, i dont feel like either. i'm so exhausted. i don't want to kill myself but i just wish i wasnt me. i would be fine if i was anyone but me. i'm not cool or smart, people don't really like me for me, i think it's just "my thing" to be annoying as fuck and talk about things no one cares about, but im so tired of it. not caring about what people think about me gets bad when i start to care about how i think about myself. i just dont feel like me.